Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I Feel I Owe You An Explanation...


Portrait of me by Ellie Lane Imagery


I love blogging.  There's something marvelous to someone who is an introvert and creative about putting your thoughts out to the universe, and having people respond positively.  It's therapeutic to get my thoughts down, exciting to share beautiful objects or discoveries or realizations in an organized manner, and it's great fun to go back and read through old blog posts, almost like discovering all of the discoveries over again. 

But lately I've been a terrible blogger.  I have three blogs, each of which serves a different purpose, each of which I love very much for different reasons: There's Catty-Corner Cottage, my personal blog where I share stories and pictures from the process of fixing up and personalizing our first home.  There's The Beautiful Necessity, where I talk about my never-ending obsession with the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood, and explore new and re-evaluated details of their lives and their art.  And then there's Domythic Bliss, where I talk about the Mythic Arts in general, and more specifically how to express a love for myth and fairy tale in one's personal abode and daily environment. 

I haven't blogged at either of the latter webpages since early November 2013.  And before then, it had been months between posts on either blog as well.

Please, reader, I beg you not to think I'm abandoning these blogs.  I'm not...I hold them close with a sense of ownership and pride and community.  But I have to admit something to you: life has been challenging.



By Brooke Shaden



In early 2011, I discovered the absolutely phenomenal blog, Hyperbole and a Half.  The genius behind the entries, Allie Brosh, was one of the most hilarious comedians in any medium I had ever seen.  I spent half of my time reading her entries wiping away tears of laughter and trying to breathe. 

In October of 2011, Allie wrote a blog post about how she had gotten a book contract.  Her readers were all very excited, but then there was nothing but silence; months and months and then over a year of absolutely nothing.  Even though I adored the blog, and followed her page on Facebook in case there were any new posts ever, I gradually stopped checking back to the blog itself.

In May of 2013, Allie returned with an absolutely epic post about depression, and what it's like to go through depression.  I mean, the brilliance with which she described what it's like, with both wit and total truthfulness and minute detail...it was nothing short of a blow-out comeback phenomenon.

Allie's experience is a perfect example of how life and all its imperfections and struggles can get in the way of something we really love.  Mental illness is truly a destroyer of all joy, sapping any bit of happiness you have and twisting it into knots.  I don't struggle with depression, but what I've started to admit to myself, and what I've had an especially hard time with since October 2013, is a suspected generalized anxiety disorder. 

In late September, I went to my rheumatologist for a routine visit, and his assistant thought she heard something of concern.  An appointment was set up with a cardiologist to have him check it out in late October.  And to make a long story short, I eventually had to come to grips with the fact that some doctors will always want to run more and more tests and will never be willing just to tell you that everything will be okay, even if the problem is minor.  I ramped up such an overabundance of anxiety by the time my appointment was scheduled, my heart was already racing a million miles a minute, chest tight, panic attacks waking me up at 3am.


By Brooke Shaden
 

Finally I decided to let the fear go, and I focused on having a great Christmas.  And it was a great holiday, but soon thereafter, I switched the focus of my anxiety from physical wellness to fear for our house, its safety, the weather and its affects on it.  My mind would create a thousand completely unlikely scenarios for how everything could fall apart: the loud pops and cracks old houses make in cold weather meant the roof was caving in, or the floor would give way.  An unknown smell in the air was undoubtedly carbon monoxide poisoning and we'd die in our sleep (despite the fact that we have detectors on every floor with fresh new batteries).  And lately?  Our furnace will go out in the negative degree weather, leaving our pipes to freeze and burst in the walls and collapse the ceiling and floor.  You get the idea, maybe. 

And the stressful thing about having an anxiety disorder is that sometimes...well, often...the things you're worried about are things that could legitimately happen.  It's just that they are rather unlikely, and you blow the ramifications of what if they every happened way out of proportion, as if your whole life will end if they occur.  But because these fears really are theoretically possible, it's hard to just ignore your anxiety.


By Brooke Shaden
 

Everyone has worries sometimes, but usually we can tuck them to the back of our minds, telling ourselves we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.  But lately I seem to lack that filter, that ability to let it go.  (Let it go, I am one with the wind and sky...)  And the worse the anxiety gets, the more it feeds on itself, until I can no longer even focus or concentrate on anything other than my fears.  I haven't worked on a single creative project since Christmas, and as a creative person who needs that almost as much as I need food, I'm feeling the loss of it.  But in my mind, the idea of focusing on anything but the fear seems absolutely impossible.

So...Um, yeah.  I suppose there you have it.  There's my rambling and somewhat paltry explanation for why even though I love blogging, you haven't seen much of anything from me lately.  I'm working on my anxiety issues...trying to find workable coping mechanisms and relaxation techniques.  And hopefully soon spring will come, both nature's reawakening and the reawakening of my creative spirit.  But for now, I am in deep hibernation, just trying to survive my own personal winter.

13 comments:

  1. This is a lovely post Grace. I have panic attacks as well. For a very long time, I took medication for my anxiety. Some days I miss it. Other days, I embrace the complexities that make me who I am. The only thing I can tell you is that you are not alone. Best wishes. -- Carina

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  2. I can relate. I've had trouble with anxiety and panic disorders off and on for about 15 years now. As I mentioned to you before, winter is usually my worst time, but this year not so much...because we've moved and I am able to work from home which allows me to avoid a lot of the things that used to make my anxiety worse (traffic, coworker drama). I used to take two medications and visit a psychiatrist monthly just to function. I once missed almost a whole week of work simply because I could not leave the house...other than forcing myself to see my psychiatrist. I'm just lucky my boss used to work at a mental health facility and understood my situation. There's definitely no shame in sharing this with people, and it actually helps sometimes to tell people and explain what you need and don't need from them. As Carina said above, best I can tell you is that you are not alone and this is more common than you might think. Hope spring comes to you very soon, Grace.

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  3. Not alone. I have family members with this issue, and deal with a small amount of it myself. Be careful of caffeine! It always makes things worse for me if I'm anxious or nervous.

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  4. As a bit of a worrier myself (and I'm not sure my loved ones would agree with the "bit of" part of that description), I feel for you. You and I know that it's a waste to imagine things before they even (if ever) happen, because in so doing, we're experiencing them unnecessarily, but it's hard to control. This is a brutal winter for so many of us. The best remedy is to get right out there in it as much as you can, all bundled up so that you're cozy and warm even though you end up looking like the Michelin Man. As a Canadian, I can assure you that older houses make plenty of cracking sounds on the coldest winter days & nights. Our dog is terrified of them and no amount of explaining will set aside his anxiety about those noises. Lately, when I'm having a fitful night, I've been using a simple meditation to try to clear my mind of all stray thought. I use the word "ma-ra-na-tha" as a mantra. It's helped a lot. I'm not practised at this meditation thing, but I'm glad I have an exercise to distract me from my worries. I'm sharing in the hope that it will help you, too.

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  5. Thank you for a very honest post. I know it may not seem to help at first but often the advice for those who focus too much on things that 'might' happen and worry is to begin to focus outward instead and put others first. Volunteering at a charity and spending time amongst people who face real hardship, such as the elderly or homeless, or animals who have been abandoned. Sometimes understanding that others are much worse off, really, can reduce our own stress and anxiety, taking our mind off imagined horrors. Hard, but it works. And light and sun help too - come Spring for you soon! x

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  6. My 21 year old son suffered a year of nearly debilitating anxiety and panic episodes last year. He had to hold off going to college and focus on finding coping mechanisms, and healing. It was heart breaking to have to watch, but as the year progressed he became more and more able to overcome. This past September he did enroll at college, and so far [fingers crossed] he is doing great. The Ontario Mental Health site said that most people go undiagnosed for over 10 years and often end up self medicating with drugs and alcohol. It is good to write about this because we need to eliminate the shame in all forms of mental illness. You Go Girl! Take the time you need to learn how to navigate your panic, you will overcome. :) Lois from Ontario.

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  7. A lovely, heartfelt post Grace. As someone who also suffers from anxiety, I can relate for sure. Please take all the time you need to feel better and I hope that this period of especially hard struggle with this issue ends soon. We all support you so much! <3

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  8. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    I love you, dearwest. You can come to my house any time to feel better about your situation. *giggle*

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  9. *hugs* I will continue to listen and check, understanding completely when things stand still for a while :-)

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  10. Oh Grace, how horrible for you! Very best wishes for your recovery, I am sure you will get there, you are brave posting about this.

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  11. Thank you so much, Carina, Popsters, Grace, Reclectica, Mrs. Black, Lois, Brittany, Linds, Annie, and Helen. You guys don't know how much it means to me to hear such support and encouragement during a difficult time. I've been working on workable outlets for my anxiety, and so far I've had some progress using mindfulness.

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  12. I understand the horror of anxiety that tricklles away in you and then rises up and overwhelms you. Mine turned out to be from Lyme disease that I had had undiagnosed for ten years! I've come across other people who got it from an overgrowth of Strep or even an imbalance good bugs in the gut. Keep in mind that this could be more than something that 'only' needs one to get one's life and thinking sorted out. Sometimes it goes deeper than that. In the meantime, big hugs! It is hell, I know.

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  13. Thank you thank you thank you all a thousand times over for all of your words of encouragement and understanding. I've been working on a mindfulness program that seems to be helping quite a bit so far. As you can see, I'm blogging again too! Little steps...all toward a worthy goal :)

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